I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
