I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
