I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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