The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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