im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
