ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
