i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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