I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
