I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
