Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
