Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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