yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
