I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
