So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
