fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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