How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
