I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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