I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
