please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
