Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
