I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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