I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
