it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
