my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We named our party play list daddy issues
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
