Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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