She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
