don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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