You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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