Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
