My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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