fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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