I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
