You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
