Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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