You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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