Don't make out with my wife yet
i think i have two assholes
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
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