Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
