He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
