Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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