What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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