Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
