some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
