Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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