Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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