Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
