Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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