yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
