Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
