My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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