I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Pants are for mortals
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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