how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
