I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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