I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
