his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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