Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
